I tried to find a whole song lyric, or a poem to open this post. I tried, but nothing fit. Then I remembered this line from a song from I think the 1950s Can't remember the whole song, the title, or the name of the singer. I'll try to post that later.
I'm in a bit of a battle with depression at the moment. It's to be expected. Having a brain that doesn't work well, misinterprets time on a regular basis, misinterprets people on a regular basis and yet, still inhibits your desire to do things can definitely lead to depression.
It's been a constant companion to me, however, for longer than I've been brain damaged. I've had this particular flavor of depression since I can remember. Sometimes feeling constantly on the edge of a sob, feeling like I'm too sad to cry, and feeling as though everyone has forgotten me is nothing new.
At this point, though, I don't have anything to distract me from it. Well, nothing that used to distract me, anyway. I do have different outlets, such as working out, playing phone games, playing some video games (alright, really only one video game, if I'm being honest, I have a thing for Fallout 76 currently).
My old coping devices were different, though. I used to be involved in singing, whether in groups or by myself, or acting in various plays and musicals. I used to go to my kids' events, when they had any. My husband and I used to attempt to go on a date about once per month. I had a few friends I hung out with from time to time.
Now, though, I don't have those outlets. I haven't been involved in a singing group in a while, most recently hampered by COVID. I plan on fixing that this fall if I can. I haven't been in a play or musical since my stroke, and that's partially due to COVID, but mostly the stroke, as having difficulty with memory doesn't go with that particularly well. Not many kids events happen now, since COVID. That's getting better, but slowly. My husband and I really don't have much opportunity to go on dates unless someone comes to stay with our younger son. Finally, while I do have a few friends, everyone has their own lives going on. I have a bit of a life, but not too much, really. Of course, not driving also puts a damper on that, as I can't really get places.
All this adds up to one not-too-surprising conclusion: I'm depressed.
I don't think it's too unusual to wind up depressed sometimes. I think it's especially normal to feel this way when you have a life changing event. That doesn't make it any less lonely, though. And being lonely sucks.
I do what I can to pass the time, but I don't watch TV when I'm by myself (there's no guarantee that I would recall what was going on in the show, or the movie, or what have you). I could sing in my house, but I suddenly don't feel comfortable doing so, and besides, its way more fun to sing with a big group (again, I just need to exercise patience on this one). I've been working on getting back into acting, also a slow going process. I've tried to get into the habit of checking in with a few friends who've had a tough time of it as of late, so they have someone to talk to or vent to. I like doing that anyway, because it helps more than just me.
I don't mean to whine or complain, not really. I just want to put the truth of it out there for people to hear. Just because a friend or relative of yours has an illness or injury doesn't mean they don't want to see you. It doesn't mean they don't want the distraction of fun, on occasion. Fun is, well, fun. It's something to look forward to, something to feel good about. When a person has depression, that can really help.
Not everyone has the depression that lies to them about how they're better off dead. A lot of people have a more sneaky depression that just lies about other people not caring about them, or lies about how they're not really all that important. I know I'm important to people, and I know people care about me. That doesn't stop that little annoying voice saying "No one does, though. You're on your own, as you always were." See? That voice lies. I haven't been alone all my life. I've had, and have, people who care about me, love me and miss me. I just also have that quiet, almost evil thought process saying "no, you don't."
It's tough for people to check in on and keep up with their friends who are sick, or shut in, or depressed, or anxious, or any number of other things. It really does help when you do try to do so, however. You could be the best thing that happened to them all week (or in my case, month, as I pretty much can't tell the difference). It's summer where I am. If it's summer where you are, maybe see if that friend who you lost touch with--because they ended up with chronic illness, or chronic pain, or even brain damage, say--maybe see if they want to go out and get an ice cream cone. If they say no, they don't really feel like it for one reason or another, tell them you'll be over with a sundae in however many minutes it would take you to do so. Be aware that the depressed person may come up with a lame excuse as to why not. Also be aware that if you say "hey, don't worry. It won't take long, and I'll clean up after," that may change their mind, or at least make them more amenable to the idea. If ice cream's not your or their thing, maybe grab coffee on your way over.
Try not to react negatively to the state of their house; they probably haven't had the impetus to keep up with it. It's another depression effect. If it's not ok to have a food or drink inside, then have it outside. Be flexible, as well as understanding.
How did I learn this? Well, I'm not the only depressed person I know. I also have a friend or two who has dared to come over and do the very thing I just mentioned above. It helps, more than you might figure, even.
There's that saying "don't judge others, some are fighting battles you aren't aware of." Depression is one of those battles; day in, day out, late into the night, and straight through mealtimes. It doesn't let up often, but usually someone else can make it easier for us to deal with. I hope you have at least one of those people. I hope you are one of those people.
