Here I am again!

And I promise, I won't be harping on my surgeries. Enough of that.

I think I need a bit more purpose in my life. Maybe some volunteering outside of therapy would be good. I'm happy with what I'm doing so far, but I could do more. I need to do more. really.

I've been thinking I'll try to get my house in order first. That's got to happen, because it's getting to the "fraught with danger stage, again. We just have too much stuff. So, I talked to my Speech Therapist about it, and we came up with a plan: I decided to ask my mother in law and two friends. I've heard back from my mother in law, and she's all for helping me out. So that's a good step. 

Now I have to figure out what I need to get rid of. There's rather a lot of accumulated crap from the past 10 or so years; furniture, dishes, papers, some useless objects we "might be able to fix," but never will. Just...stuff.

It's not easy to figure out people to ask for help when there's a big job to be done, particularly when you were pretty fiercely independent in the almost recent past. Not saying I would have been able to tackle my whole house before, but I would at least have been able to formulate a plan. Not anymore, though. Planning the decluttering spree for this is not unlike trying to figure out how to scale a perfectly smooth wall. I don't know how or where to start.

I looked up people who help organize people's houses, and quickly realized we can't afford that. After that I was just stuck. I couldn't figure out anything at all. I knew some of the things I wanted to do, but couldn't figure out what order to do them in, or even what the steps were to start them.

This is what it's like to have executive function issues. You know something needs to be done, you know what the end goal is, but the actual doing of the thing is lost to you. It can seem to be too much, insurmountable. Too many steps, too many details. Too much stuff to do. So then, instead of figuring out the small bits of each task to make it easier, you freeze. Then nothing gets done.

Sure, I know that people get things done all the time. Tough things, gross things, huge seemingly insurmountable tasks, but I personally can't get my head together enough to do that. I can't seem to look at the little pictures in the big picture. I can't figure out the steps to get to the end result.

It's honestly infuriating. I can do this with cooking, with crafting things, even with driving places. Why can't I do it for this one task? Am I lazy? stupid? Both? 

No. I'm never functioning at full capacity. I never have all of the where-with-all. The transmission fluid levels in my brain is never full, so things don’t run smoothly.

It's not a good feeling. I want to be productive. I want to do the whole housewife/stay-at-home mom thing right, like pretty much everyone else I know. I just can't seem to do it on my own.

I'm not the only person stuck in this sticky tar of indecision. There are a bunch of us, some diagnosed with something that explains it, but, I think, not anywhere near enough of us. We just founder in this hell of not getting things done.

I hope some people read this and get more of an idea of why some of us are the way we are. Why sometimes we can get everything finished in one place and freeze solid in another. Why we can't just do the damn things we need to do. We want to. We don't want all the work to fall on those we love. It just doesn't work. Like a car with no oil,though, we can get started, but we can't go very far without help. If we don't get help, the engine will seize. Then, no one is getting anywhere.