Difficulties

 I'm not in the best mood, lately. I can't really put my finger on just why, but I'm not. 

As a rule, I try for upbeat realism in my day to day life, as I imagine I've made clear. Sometimes, though, it all gets away from me, and like a giant snowball rolling down a mountain, it all falls on me at once. I get swept up in the dizzying roll of it all, feeling like I have no control over anything--not my days, not my sleep, not my activities, not my own life. It all leaves me confused, drained and, to be honest, depressed.

I think I've mentioned I'm on a cocktail of antidepressant with a spritz of mood stabilizer, and for the most part, they work well. Just at the moment, though, the depression has br0ken through. It doesn't feel like I'm not taking the meds, it's not like that. I can't say it's not as bad as before the meds, because before the meds it wasn't something I thought of as bad. I didn't even know I was depressed. Dysthemic Disorder is kind of weird like that. Things don't feel hopeless, but it's almost like someone kind of sapped the brightness out of life, or overlayed life with a kind of transparent grayscale film. You can see the pretty things, you can see the joy, but it's all dulled out. 

I don't feel this way all the time, there are good days, of course. The meds really help to make that blah-colored filter is move away, so I can see the bright colors, or hear the way the wind blows through the trees. It makes things a bit easier to deal with.

Other times, though, it's not great.

Sitting at home, there will be the thought, "Well, I should get this thing done." Then I'll start doing the thing, maybe even finish the thing I'm doing, but it still doesn't look like it's done. I could work on one thing for an entire day, and at the end of it, it's just not done, in some indescribable way. That, or I don't feel like I did anything at all. The room could be spotless, and it won't feel right. The meal I cooked could be amazing, and I'll still think it wasn't right. Something I made could be beautiful, and I'll look at it and decide I won't do it again, because reasons. 

I never understand those reasons. They make no sense. There are a number of projects I have which I started, but never finished, or that I bought several of, and haven't done the rest. I can do these things, I know I can do these things well, I even felt accomplishment when I finished them, but I still think I shouldn't do the next one. I keep thinking they'll be awful after (they won't), or that I'll be bored doing them (I won't). 

I know what I need to do, I need to tell that stupid little nagging feeling to go pound sand, already, so I can just do the thing that made me happy the last time I did it. For some reason, that doesn't work, though, and I wind up wistfully looking at the project, wishing I could just get myself to do it; to just finish something so I can get my hobby back. I need to work on this by myself, at the moment, as I don't have a therapist to hash it out with. Hopefully that will change.

I'm not all that sure what the point of this entry really was, but I do know I'm done with it now. Seems like another part of the depression thing. I've gotten all of my thoughts out, put what's bothering me out into the sun so I can figure out how to fix it, maybe, and hopefully that will be what I needed. 

Ugh, There's a lot of "I" in this entry, here's hoping you were able to stick with it. Thanks for reading.

OK. Let's get back on track, now.

You know, it's a good thing I have a pretty bad short term memory loss, or I might be really upset.

I tried to get back into writing every two weeks and failed, but I fully intend to do so now. So, let's keep our fingers crossed for consistency!

To sum up the time since: New Primary Care Provider: Acquired! Low magnesium: Still low, but not as bad. Anemia: still a thing. Calcium levels: still high. Weirdly. Brain damage: also still a thing. So at least that one's consistent.

Now, I have to think of what to write.

I suppose I could just continue in an update manner, so I will.

Still waiting on the appointment with the nephrologist. They have all my tests, and were trying to find a place to work me into the schedule. Still hoping that will answer some questions. I don't mind having to take a couple of supplements for the rest of my life, if I need to, I just want to know if that's what I need to do. Also, should I add calcium, or no? Now that I have far less estrogen pumping through my veins, I hear calcium can be an issue. I would rather not add broken bones to my laundry list of maladies, you know? At this point, I'm still 5'11 3/4", so I think I'm good, but I'd like to stay that height, too. Having pants that fit is pretty key for me.

After seeing my new NP the other day, I'm also going to have another neuropsych eval done at some point. In order to get my ADHD (or whatever it may be) treated, I need an actual diagnosis. My last neuropsych eval was pretty focused on my then recent brain injury, and didn't really focus on other issues. Even if adults don't have ADHD, as my psychiatrist has said (and I do not believe), ADHD-like symptoms from a brain injury still need to be addressed. I can't seem to motivate enough to get my house cleaned, and that's a bad thing. I have stuff I need to do. 

As a major bright side to all of this, my husband and I have decided on a vacation spot for our belated 25th anniversary. We've decided to stay in a mountainous area! I'm looking forward to that, pretty sure it's going to be awesome.

Let's see. Aside from all of everything, life is life. I'm still glad to be in it, and still love the people in it with me.

Sometimes, I'm just grateful for those simple facts. Sometimes, that's all you need.

The Last Two Weeks

 Originally written in the beginning of May. Apologies for forgetting to post it.

Hoo boy. It's been a couple of interesting weeks.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything else. Well, not yet. But I do get to add another doctor to the mix.

The search for a nephrologist has found one, and I'm waiting to get an appointment now. I thought I had all of my tests taken and sent, but they needed a magnesium level test. 

Shocker, I'm low. 

So, that brings us to high calcium, low iron and low magnesium. Apparently the magnesium is explained by one of my daily medications. I got a call from my new PCP office the day after my blood test. They told me about my magnesium level issue, and then told me I had to get off of the medication that was causing it. They were going to trade it out with a less effective medication.

Only problem there was that the medication is performing a Very Important Function with Many Moving Parts. 

In short, I would be endangering my health further if I went off the medication.

This happened, in part, I think because my new PCP hadn't had time to read my file through.

When I brought up the problem, they looked into it and found that yes, I have to stay on it. So, supplements it is. 

I also found out my iron supplement isn't working, so that got switched, as well. All of this has added about 4 new pills to my already formidable med list. Ah well. They should all help.

I hadn't really thought about whether medical professionals familiarized themselves with patient files before the past 10 years or so. When I went to a new PCP before all of the recent brouhaha, she told me she'd read my file, and it proved to be very interesting reading. That was before the stroke, even, so I imagine that says a lot about what it must be now.

It wouldn't be as upsetting if I hadn't told everyone I talked to in the doctors' office before, during and after the switch to my NEW new providers that whoever I was switching to really needed to review at least my recent file before they met me.

Now, to be fair, we haven't met yet. I see them for the first time in June. However, it seems to me that before making med changes for someone, their file should be looked through.

I imagine it looked like an extraneous medication that was causing a possibly moderately problematic issue. When we go on a medication, we have to realize that all medications are actually a type of poison. People can't even take too many supplements because they could cause an issue. Any substance that has an effect on the human body is, by definition, something that can harm us as well. I was told this by a trusted family member who worked for many years in the medical field. 

Are medications just poison? You could talk to some who would say they are. Those people usually avoid them at all costs.

Do medications help people? They very much can. If you have a medical issue and a doctor or nurse practitioner prescribes you a medication, they have reason to believe that the it will help you to deal with the issue. They are a substance which has an effect on your body, an effect that changes how your body responds to certain stimuli. An allergy pill is a medication, and they make many people feel much better, allowing them to function through the day without significant discomfort from their allergies. 

Take Loratidine, for example. It's an allergy med that a lot of people take to deal with environmental allergies. If you take it as prescribed, it is unlikely to make you feel drowsy and unlikely to make your heart race. Doesn't sound poisonous, right? Well, if you take too much of it, you can cause drowsiness, headaches and a fast, pounding heart rate. If you take even more of it, it can cause seizures, hallucinations and even death. 

I mean, it sounds like effects a poison could cause, right?

It's why every prescribed medication comes with the warning something like: Your doctor prescribed this medication because they have deemed the possible positive effects to be more valuable any possible negative effects. They then go on to list what to do if you have negative effects (usually inform your doctor or go to the hospital, depending on how bad the reaction is).

And its not just major medications, either. You also can get negative effects from vitamins, certain lotions or even eye drops.

This is why dose sizes are so important. 

So, yeah. I understand why that was the PCPs first thought. There's just underlying medication.

This isn't said to scare you away from your meds. Meds are important, and like the insert with the meds says, your doctor has decided it better to risk the possible negative effects to treat your health issue. 

Sometimes, though, differing problems can cause conflicts in different medications, and it can get pretty complicated. You should never take Tylenol, a common NSAID, when taking Warfarin, a widely prescribed blood thinner, for instance. It may not seem like a big deal at first, but Tylenol can amplify the effects of the Warfarin over time. This can cause a serious issue.

So, it's good to have your doctor check through your meds from time to time. If they aren't able to schedule it, it would be a good thing to see someone who can manage your meds. There are even specific doctors who do this.

Doctors, like us, are humans. Sometimes they make mistakes. Any assistance you can find to make sure things work smoothly with medication could help them treat your health issues better.

Just ideas, really. Things to think about from someone who has to think about them rather a lot.