Life's Delicate Balance

 5/19/2023

This is not a post about the environment, global warming, or anything like that.

This post is about life. More particularly, this post is about how different life can get given major changes. 

I guess it's kind of obvious what changes I'm referring to in this instance. It was the biggest change in my life since actually being born. A lot of the things I've had to get used to since then are not unlike having to learn everything when I was a baby, I imagine. Similarly, I don't have a reliable memory of learning these things. I do have reminders that I did learn them. 

I almost fall out of my shower approximately 3-4 times per week. For a quick idea how often that really is, I shower 3-4 times per week. So, in reality, I almost fall out of the shower every time I take a shower.

If this sounds scary, I imagine it was, at some point. Now it's just routine. While in the shower, I stand. I've never been a fan of sit down showers. They don't feel right to me somehow. I don't feel as clean afterward. So, I stand. I have a couple of cheats, of course. I have a bar suction cupped to the wall of the shower. I have a seat in the bathtub, as well, a nice one even. I very rarely use it. 

I don't think this is particular to me, per se, but I usually close my eyes during different parts of showering: washing my hair, washing my face, that kind of thing.

This is where it gets tricky. I usually stand with my feet about a foot or so apart. This gives me a good base, which alleviates some of the excess swaying I do when standing. 

Only some of the excess swaying, however. I still sway a bit, usually. When my eyes close, I sway more. This isn't all that abnormal from what I know. It certainly isn't abnormal for me, it happens any time my eyes are closed and I'm standing up. It's one of the things I do during my assessments to check how my equilibrium is. 

As you may imagine, my equilibrium is not too good. It comes with the territory of having some types of brain injury. What do you do? Well, you just learn to live with it. 

So, I almost fall out of the shower every time I take a shower. I catch myself each time, either by grabbing the bar, or by putting my hand out to the wall. If I have to, I'll sit on the shower chair. 

To date, I have never fallen out of the shower. 

My reasoning for this is a) I'm that good and b) I'd have to tell my OT. I really, really, really don't want to have to tell her I fell. You have no idea how much I don't want to have to tell her that. 

Is it pride? Yes. Absolutely. I do honestly pride myself in not falling. I haven't fully fallen in about 2 years. I've made it so that I fall onto my bed, or I fall into my chair. Very occasionally I fall into someone's arms, and that makes me laugh, because of that old "swooning woman" thing from old movies. 

The point is, though, I don't just hit the floor. I have done that, maybe twice since I've been home. More often than not, when I will feel myself beginning to fall and somehow let my knees go loose, then just wind up sitting, as I mentioned, on furniture. 

I don't know where I learned to do that. Maybe one of my PTs showed me that technique. But I don't grab for random objects like lamps, bookcases, beds or tables. I just drop where I'm standing usually a bit jarred, but not injured. 

It's kind of a neat trick, really. I'm glad I have it. Small victories are still victories.