Originally written on 03/25/2022

Another day, another post. Well, in my case, it’s about two weeks after I started the last post, which I just finished writing.

But I have more things to say, so here goes.

Today, I’d like to address helping. 

I’m disabled, so on occasion, people want to help me. I use a cane to get around, due to equilibrium issues as a result of my brain damage. Most people that I have met who wish to help me are great! They literally just want to make something easier for me, and offer their assistance. 

This is not how everyone operates.

I have a friend whom I haven’t seen in years. He’s a great guy, loves classic rock, and majored in journalism. 

He is also in a wheelchair, and has been all his life, due to Cerebral Palsy, 

This has led to some interesting issues in the past. People like to help him, too. If he’s at the grocery store, and can’t reach something, for instance, sometimes someone will offer to get it for him.

This help is good. It’s good to offer your help. 

The problem arises when you help without asking or offering.

Here’s a scenario to consider: On occasion, my friend will be wheeling himself somewhere, intent on getting to his destination, thinking his own thoughts like we all do when walking or traveling. 

Imagine this:

You are in a wheelchair, and rolling at a decent clip, trying to get to the store, or the subway, or the park, or work. 

Suddenly, you’re no longer in control of your momentum.

Someone has begun to push you forward. 

A cheerful voice pipes up from outside your peripheral vision “Hey! You looked like you needed a hand!”

They don’t ask where you’re going, and you realize that you’ve just gone past the ramp of the building you needed to get to.

You’re pretty much being kidnapped by someone who might mean well, but didn’t ask if you wanted help.

It’s frightening. Depending on how long that person pushes you, it could be terrifying. 

My friend doesn’t have much in the way of peripheral vision. He can see well enough straight ahead, but he definitely can’t see behind him without craning his neck around, and someone pushing a wheelchair is very much behind the person in the chair.

What do you do? The person behind you is cheerfully helping the disabled person, but you are getting farther and farther from your desired destination.

Many people would yell at them to stop. Some might apply their brakes without warning, but that’s risky, as you might spill you onto the sidewalk, possibly injuring yourself in the process. Others would freeze, as some people do in frightening situations. Still others might politely tell the person behind them that they were doing just fine, thanks, and also, you passed their appointment.

Yes, we know you have our best interests at heart. 

Wait. No we don’t. We don’t know anything about you or your motivations.

If you don’t know us at all and are helping, you feel good for helping a stranger. Altruism has its own reward, you know. You get a hit of dopamine doing something kind for a stranger with no thought of compensation for your time. I understand that hit. I crave it, myself, because ADHD is a pain in the butt, and I don’t get that hit very often.

Changing the view of the situation to the Helper: Here’s the thing: You’re not helping. You’re hindering. That person had a plan, and your desire to feel good for helping someone has seriously derailed that plan.

But let’s say that person did tell you “I needed to go back there. Stop pushing me. Leave me alone!”

How would you react? 

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I can tell you there is only one way to answer. 

“Oh my. I’m so sorry. I should have asked. Do you want help getting back there?”

Then, if they say yes, help them get back. If they say no, offer to get them turned around and headed in the right direction. If that answer is also no, leave them alone.

It’s a very simple resolution to a problem that you have just unwittingly created, but you have no idea how many situations like this devolve into the helper berating the disabled person because they “don’t appreciate help,” or “didn’t need to show such disrespect.” 

Essentially, what I’m saying is tone it down. Yes, you meant to help. Yes, it’s embarrassing to know you’ve overstepped a social boundary. But, when it comes down to it, you are in the wrong here. Take the new information gracefully and learn from it.

So, in conclusion, help people. Just make sure that you are, in fact, helping, and not assuming you’re helping but actually inconveniencing or hindering. It just takes an extra second of thought.