Originally written on 03/27/2022

Imposter Syndrome and You: A shortish explanation

    As I have already stated, I have disabilities.

    I have not already stated that I was actually classified as a gifted child, at one point.

    This is valid to mention for the reason of Imposter Syndrome.

    I am very familiar with Imposter Syndrome (which, according to psychology, isn't so much an actual mental illness as it is an experience) as I am pretty horrible at anything in algebra. It’s almost, but not quite, to the point of a learning disability I’ve had ever since I can remember. Algebra, which is pretty much logical to most people, baffles me. For me, the formulas don’t always work, even though the rules usually do. I’m much better with geometry, which is more concrete, as everything already has a value, and you can find values you don’t know pretty easily. Yes, yes, I know–by using algebraic equations, but hey, mental blocks don’t usually make sense. 

    This was difficult to deal with as a kid in the G&T program in fifth grade. Most of the kids in that group understood pretty much everything effortlessly. I did not. I was actually in a lower level math class than the rest of my peers. 

    Hence the feeling of being an imposter.

    I get that now too. The brain hemorrhage left me with numerous issues. None of those issues is hemipelagic paralysis. So again, I am not quite the same as my peers. 

    I believe most people experience imposter syndrome from time to time. We feel inadequate when compared to others around us, whether we are actually inadequate or not. It could probably even be described as a common human condition.

    There are things to consider in my feeling this way now. For one, I am relatively alone in my diagnosis. My type of brain injury is pretty rare. Let me explain this. I had what is called a cryptogenic intraventricular brain hemorrhage. First of all, about 15-40% of strokes are cryptogenic. Secondly, only 13% of all strokes in adults are hemorrhagic. Most are ischemic, which means parts of the brain die due to lack of oxygen from a blockage, usually by a blood clot. From what I understand, most hemorrhagic strokes in adults are caused by aneurysm. Mine was not. Next we have the intensely scary factoid of intracerebral hemorrhage causing approximately 10 to 15% of all strokes, and they carry a huge mortality rate. Hot on the heels of that fact, we have intracerebral brain hemorrhage has a 30 day mortality rate of 44%. That’s almost half of the people who get any intracerebral brain bleed die less than a month after their hemorrhage. I could go on like this for days. Essentially, what it comes down to is that 3% of people who have strokes, have a stroke like mine. We’re a pretty exclusive group. Not really a club one wants to join, however.

    Many brain injured people have similar effects to me, though. For instance, I am not the only person in my Acquired Brain Injury program who has short term memory loss. I’m not the only person in my ABI program who wound up with long term vision issues (I wear prism glasses, due to a palsy of one of my optic nerves caused by the hemorrhage). I am not the only person who has adult ADHD (as I’ve stated, I had kind of overcome it before, though I was pretty much  just masking it). I’m also not the only person in the program who doesn’t have any long term hemi issues (loss of use of one side of the body due to bloodflow loss in the brain).

    Still though, I feel like I am Not Quite Bad Enough to get the services I get.

    This is pretty silly of me, to be honest.

    My ABI program is part therapy, part adult daycare. I also go to another adult day care one day per week. I do this because I don’t really do well on my own. I get kind of…lost in the day, for lack of a better term. I fully intend to do many useful things when alone, but I don’t usually end up doing them. I get lonely pretty easily, and then just kind of stare into space for a while. I don’t even really watch tv much. I have no idea what I do all day to be honest, but it never really amounts to much.

    For the record, though, I despise the term "Adult Day Care."

    So, I have day services.

    I do qualify for in-home help, but, well, there’s a severe worker shortage all over the country, and it’s really, really bad where I live. There’s literally no one to be here to help me out.

    So I have all these services. I have this kind of ridiculously rare diagnosis. I have long term issues that I can’t ignore. And still I’m like, “but what if it’s all a lie?” This is a stupid thought, and I know it. Doesn’t stop it from occurring to me though. It's something I should work on in therapy for sure, and I am, actually, as of this writing. I read my entry to my therapist, and she gave me some feedback. We discussed that really, imposter syndrome with me in general isn't much of a surprise, given my background, upbringing, etc. This was quite comforting, and I left the session feeling quite a bit better than I had in a while.